Wedding Cake

Yesterday was going to be my wedding day. It’s now the third time that it was cancelled.

To celebrate (?) I ran a poll on facebook for what kind of unwedding cake I should make. The top result was to ask my mum for the worst components. She sent me pictures of a shark cake, poop emoji cake, and mould. Here we are.

Cats Cake

It’s been a while.

I have been settling back in Australia, reuniting with loved ones and trying to get back to working and living. It has been a huge adjustment, but it’s time to pick up the writing/baking/sketching mantle once again.

With no further ado: remember the Cats movie? It was the last movie I saw before the UK went into lockdown. It was a surreal experience and a great way to make sure I didn’t miss the movies at all. Or cats.

But then my horrible cake group got 10,000 likes around the time a dear friend wanted to watch Cats for her birthday. The choices for the cake rolled in:

  1. Fur.
  2. Teeth.
  3. Meat.

So it was time to killed two birds with a badly-scaled stone.

Step one: Carve Batman’s screaming face. Make sure this layer does not contain blueberries, because the eyes will bleed.

Step two: Hide the shame. Cover it with icing and pray God’s judgement cannot penetrate buttercream.

Step three: Flesh.

Step four: Let them emerge.

Step five: Let them see. Let them breathe. Do not listen to what they may whisper.

Step six: Teef.
Step seven: suddenly remember that one weird cake sculpting tool you have. What could it be for, other than fur? Was it always intended for this? Was it there before now?
Step eight: Take it to the party. Introduce them to everyone.
What a horrible night to have a cake.

Baking on Demand

I’d like to tell you about the worst cake I’ve ever baked. Probably best not to look if you’re uncomfortable with blood, teeth and sweet, delicious Frankensteined fondant flesh.

I run a facebook group where I post cakes with threatening auras. These can be either deliberate or unintentional. To celebrate hitting a milestone for members, I proposed that I would bake a cake, with the features to decided by vote. The top results were the following:

  1. Teeth
  2. Fleshy colour palette
  3. Blood
  4. All of the above but a Minion cake

Honestly the minion part was the worst for me. Here’s my process for creating a cake so terrible that the question “cake or death?” yields 50/50 results.

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Bloody Baking

Devil’s food cake, with some added ingredients, layered with dark chocolate ganache

Crumb coat of white chocolate ganache

The full coverage in white chocolate. This photo is blurry because the glass bowl I was using for the ganache shattered shortly before this was taken.

Adding the blood was surprisingly easy. It’s white chocolate ganache with red gel. I did lose the first batch when I tried adding dark chocolate chips for colour, as it all turned brown. It was a straightforward piping job, I just had to work quickly while the icing was still warmish

The finishing touch. When it came time to cut, the entire cake was able to be picked up just by grabbing the knife. For about three seconds.

Dawn of the Birth Day

I made this for a friend’s birthday, and it was my first attempt at using fondant. It’s the moon from Majora’s Mask. Someday I’d like the make a version that was only the moon.

I used the claymation tools I got from the Aardman exhibition in Melbourne and I loved sculpting it.

First, I carved the cake, including adding the nose.

Then it was covered in jam for adhesion. Also AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Then the shroud of fondant. It was a very delicate process, and it did tear in some places as I moulded it to the cake

I painted the face using food dye and used black fondant to create the darkest spaces. I was very happy with the eyes.

Finally, it was placed on top of the base cake.

I figured that even if the moon didn’t work, there would still be a functional cake to devour. Ultimately it was tasty and horrifying and the birthday boy at the nose with gusto. It was very jam -y, apparently