This is the first scene from a test episode of a podcast I am working on with my fiancé and friend. It’s also the first time I have written a script since highschool, I think. It’s definitely my first time trying this seriously, so I would appreciate any constructive feedback
Scene 1 – The Office
Nick: (very annoyed) would you hurry up and get your stuff packed? We are in a bit of a hurry.
Devin: Hey, I’m doing my research as fast as I can. We need to know this stuff.
Nick: (annoyed grumbling as he packs his bag)
Devin: Did you know that light can only penetrate 330 feet into the ocean? Do you understand what this means?! Two thirds of our planet is an underwater breeding ground for vampires!
Nick: I don’t think vampires can breathe underwater.
Devin: Merpires, then! Vampeople!
Nick: We’re not even going into the ocean, we’ll be on the oil rig the entire time. I am definitely not planning on diving over the side.
Devin: If I see a mervamperson, I will be straight over.
Nick: (laughing) Why, are you hoping to get bit-
Nick: No! No. No, you cannot bring a stake on this trip. I know you: if you don’t find a vampire, and you will not find vampires, aquatic or otherwise, you will feel the need to stab something. And I will be there the entire time, with my very stab-able body, waiting for the moment you decide I am really a daywalker.
Devin: Don’t be ridiculous. You’re some sort of cryptid.
Nick: Please, just pack up. I’m almost done.
Devin: (tapping on his phone) There are deep sea vents that can fire searing-hot plumes of water 18 stories high!
[a phone starts to ring]
Nick: (distracted, as he pulls out his phone) That’ll sort the seapires out then, yeah?
Nick: Hello? …
Nick: Oh yes, I did email. I need a pet sitter, for today and tomorrow
Nick: No, better if they don’t stay overnight. They barely let me sleep in the bed, haha!
Devin: There were squid shaped liked paperclips that lived for two hundred years, Nick.
Nick: (trying to ignore Devin) The card you have on file is fine.
Devin: Right. We need to be ready
[there is the sound of paperclips being poured into a briefcase]
Nick: (speaking louder to drown out Devin) Right, I have 3 or 4, um, pets. I think you should have this down from last time?
Devin: If we see one, we throw these. Hopefully it thinks they’re its babies and goes after them.
Nick: … Right, well… OK, I have at least 3. It’s hard to say.
Devin: I’m bringing a stapler too. If I find out there are jellyfish shaped like staples, I want to be ready. Oh! Do we have staple guns?
[there are the sounds of rummaging]
Nick: They’re just… they’re pets. I have between 3 and 5.
Nick: Look, I’ll just pay for five, but can you ask the sitter to count them in case it’s less right now?
Nick: Yeah, I know but I’m taking care of them by booking you, that makes me a good pet owner.
Nick: I… don’t know what they are, exactly … (he clears his throat then speaks more confidently) I’ve never been one to care about breeds. They’re good boys, ok? Key’s under the matt. I need to go.
Devin: OK. I’m ready to go. I have assembled the best arsenal your desk drawers had to offer.
Nick: (beat) Right. Put back the whiskey and let’s go.