The Birdhouse

There is something living in the birdhouse. I am very certain it is not a bird.

I did see a bird land there once, in the dappled sunlight. I watched it poke its head hesitantly through the hole. I saw it suddenly pulled inside. I saw the coins thrown out and onto the ground. The lack of birdsong in the Summer months made sense to me after that.

I kept the coins as recompense for losing the birdsong. My parents did not care much for wildlife. The birdhouse had been there when we moved in and they only did the bare minimum to take care of the garden, not bothering to inspect it. My older brother said the birds annoyed him. Everything annoyed him, actually. Especially me. That was his excuse to wear noise-cancelling headphones all the time and never talk to me.

I took food to the birdhouse. I tried birdseed, at first. It did not drop any money, but the next morning there were coins and feathers covered in blood on the grass. It wanted meat.

I took it bits of dinner and lunchmeat picked from sandwiches. I was careful to use tongs to put the food inside. Whatever was inside had a vice-like grip. It would grab at the tongs, tearing the morsels from them and only relinquishing the metal after gnawing them to test for further food. The teeth must have been sharp, to leave gouges in the metal.

My brother started getting suspicious. He asked why a brat with no job had so much money. He took my money box and said he would tell my parents about it if I complained.

I told him I found a stash of money in the old birdhouse out back. I told him it was right at the back and that he would have to reach all the way inside.

Scriptwriting

This is the first scene from a test episode of a podcast I am working on with my fiancé and friend. It’s also the first time I have written a script since highschool, I think. It’s definitely my first time trying this seriously, so I would appreciate any constructive feedback

Scene 1 – The Office

Nick:   (very annoyed) would you hurry up and get your stuff packed? We are in a bit of a hurry.

Devin:  Hey, I’m doing my research as fast as I can. We need to know this stuff.

Nick:   (annoyed grumbling as he packs his bag)

Devin:  Did you know that light can only penetrate 330 feet into the ocean? Do you understand what this means?! Two thirds of our planet is an underwater breeding ground for vampires!

Nick:   I don’t think vampires can breathe underwater.

Devin: Merpires, then! Vampeople!

Nick:   We’re not even going into the ocean, we’ll be on the oil rig the entire time. I am definitely not planning on diving over the side.

Devin:  If I see a mervamperson, I will be straight over.

Nick:   (laughing) Why, are you hoping to get bit-

[rustling sounds]

Nick:   No! No. No, you cannot bring a stake on this trip. I know you: if you don’t find a vampire, and you will not find vampires, aquatic or otherwise, you will feel the need to stab something. And I will be there the entire time, with my very stab-able body, waiting for the moment you decide I am really a daywalker.

Devin:  Don’t be ridiculous. You’re some sort of cryptid.

Nick:   Please, just pack up. I’m almost done.

Devin:  (tapping on his phone) There are deep sea vents that can fire searing-hot plumes of water 18 stories high!

[a phone starts to ring]

Nick:   (distracted, as he pulls out his phone) That’ll sort the seapires out then, yeah?

Nick: Hello? …

Nick: Oh yes, I did email. I need a pet sitter, for today and tomorrow

Nick: No, better if they don’t stay overnight. They barely let me sleep in the bed, haha!

Devin:  There were squid shaped liked paperclips that lived for two hundred years, Nick.

Nick:   (trying to ignore Devin) The card you have on file is fine.

Devin:  Right. We need to be ready

[there is the sound of paperclips being poured into a briefcase]

Nick:   (speaking louder to drown out Devin) Right, I have 3 or 4, um, pets. I think you should have this down from last time?

Devin:  If we see one, we throw these. Hopefully it thinks they’re its babies and goes after them.

Nick:   … Right, well… OK, I have at least 3. It’s hard to say.

Devin:  I’m bringing a stapler too. If I find out there are jellyfish shaped like staples, I want to be ready. Oh! Do we have staple guns?

[there are the sounds of rummaging]

Nick:   They’re just… they’re pets. I have between 3 and 5.

Nick: Look, I’ll just pay for five, but can you ask the sitter to count them in case it’s less right now?

Nick: Yeah, I know but I’m taking care of them by booking you, that makes me a good pet owner.

Nick: I… don’t know what they are, exactly … (he clears his throat then speaks more confidently) I’ve never been one to care about breeds. They’re good boys, ok? Key’s under the matt. I need to go.

Devin:  OK. I’m ready to go. I have assembled the best arsenal your desk drawers had to offer.

Nick:   (beat) Right. Put back the whiskey and let’s go.

Something New

I’m having a first go at scripting a podcast episode. I normally shy away from dialogue, so it will be interesting to see how I do with all dialogue.

Having a test recording tomorrow, so hopefully all goes well.

Comfortable Horror

Sarah had never married
Not that she’d make a bad wife
But with her strange adventures
She did not think she suited married life

She fed the witch’s familiars
As their owners flew across the sky
They appreciated her kind care
And left gifts when they stopped by

Each month she left a change of clothes
Draped over a naked, exhausted frame
Once recovered, the werewolf gave thanks
And left her a good share of game

She had long chats with a vampire
and although she never invited him inside
When the daylight found him
She loaned him an umbrella to hide

Her parents had told her, when she’d asked
That babies come from the cabbage patch
So it was not that strange to her
When she heard a cry from the field out back

The baby was not quite right, however.
He’d clearly grown from the wrong crop
His head was a bit big, his complexion odd
But he needed care and she’d give it, full stop

Sarah bundled up the newborn babe
She took him home and put him to bed
She cared for and loved him all her days
Her little boy with a pumpkin head

Happy Halloween

Since my entire Halloween plan is to play Animal Crossing, I decided to bake Halloween cookies for the office on Friday.

Made the sugar cookies using this recipe and iced with basic royal icing. I was horrified/delighted to discover that you can buy cartons of egg whites in Sainsburys. They pour so smoothly. Too smoothly.

October

October is the scariest month for me. Not because of Halloween, or because of my daily commitment to posting, or the encroachment of Christmas.

It’s because taxes are due.

There will be Halloween cookies tomorrow.

For now I’m going to lie in bed and wonder what I part did wrong.