Hiya, I’m Bill. I’m here about the Home and Possession insurance.

Nah, I’m a subcontractor. They send me out for this type of work. They don’t keep anyone in-house for this. They used to, but I think all the sick days and complaints about hazards made it too tricky.

Nice place. Are the floors overlay? OK. Is the sound of the heart constant, or does it only arise in your quiet hours to remind you of the weakest, most despicable moment of your life?

Ah, right. Well 3am is the witching hour. Easiest fix is a white noise machine. You can get one on a timer if needed. Otherwise if you submit a claim for “loss of quiet enjoyment”, I think we can get the landlord to pay for a soundproof underlay.

Right, bleeding from the wall. Is it just this one? OK. Nah, nothing to be done about the wall itself. Even if you knocked it down, that moment of visceral terror would remain in stasis: locked in time and space right here. Plus it’s load-bearing. Best bet – take a swatch of the blood, get a colour match, paint yourself a red feature wall.

OK, now for the big ticket item. How many occupants do you have living here? OK. And how many dead? Oof, big numbers. You hate to get outnumbered.

We can remove a few, but in a house this old, their belief of a time long past is probably holding this place together more than the mortar. We remove more than half, you’ll need the foundations looked at. Best bet, look through historical records and try to keep whichever buggers were living here for the latest remodel.

Yeah, that costs extra.

Oh we can take a payment plan, no worries. If you fall behind, we’ll just repossess your house.

Inspired by this joke: https://youtu.be/N-re2LYnsGA?si=oKsdh9E4fjUBJEfz&t=56